February 9 -- Coping

Dear Diary,

Am I a good person?

I don't really think that I am. Most of what I've done for the past year or so has been to benefit nobody but myself and my purse. I would've sold out just about anyone for a nice enough sum of gold, even as late as last week. I didn't really care about anyone but myself and my purse, that's it. Even Urien...even since he's been back, I've been trying to compartmentalize and keep him in a separate part of my mind from everything else. It's so hard thinking of him as my brother, since the last time I saw him,  he was...well, you know. Alive.

Am I a good person? Stehl said that I am. I like talking to him (not like that, thank you very much for prying, Diary) because he seems to know the answers to the questions I ask. I wondered if going after the people who hurt me was a bad thing, since it's vengeance, and if vengeance is a completely bad thing. I said that I thought I wasn't a good enough person to fight against evil in order to protect others or mete out justice. He was getting ready to leave--to go find Wym, I think--and he stopped and looked at me and said, "You're a good person, Senkha."

Am I? I don't know, but it feels less hollow to have somebody think so.

Anyway. I'm coping. Not well, but coping poorly is better than not coping at all (I wonder what that would look like...I'd probably be lying on a floor somewhere, drooling and sobbing and throwing up and making a horrible mess of the floor). This stupid holiday isn't helping things...somehow, I just don't really like holidays lately. They remind me, I think, of how lonely I am or of the other things going wrong in my life. This one's definitely made things worse for me...everyone's in love and smelling like cologne and perfume (ugh, it's worse than the smell of a particularly rotten Death Knight, I swear) and throwing flowers and there are these RIDICULOUS goblin things that fly around after you...one of them wouldn't leave me alone until I got fed up and sicced Wally on him.

That cockroach is something special, I'll say that much. He chewed the damned thing's wings off.

I couldn't pray tonight, either (it's been too long since I last prayed, but I just can't pray...I don't know why, I just feel wrong, unclean. Like I don't deserve to be heard), so I was going to do a crossword puzzle, but I couldn't do that either. All around me, people were declaring their love and their devotion and flirting and giggling and kissing and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die forever. I don't want people to flirt with me and giggle and kiss and all of that. I don't want to be touched or looked at. I don't trust people anymore who touch me and look at me. I just want to exist separately.

...I saw him again, and his lady was with him. I recognized her, and if it was a week and a half ago, I would've felt stupid because I'd seen them together before my brain caught up with the evidence and informed me that I was chasing after something that didn't exist. I wish I could go back to feeling the way I felt a week and a half ago. It hurt, but it was a lot better than this.

And then Urien found me. I just don't know, Diary. I should be able to talk to him...he's my brother...but I don't know how to relate to him. He's dead for Light's sake, and I don't feel like I can tell him everything I'm feeling without him running off to lop off a few dozen heads or something along those lines. It scared me when he threatened Stehl...not just because I worried about Stehl's life, which I did, but because I worried about his. I don't want to lose him again, as soon as I've found him.

I hate this. I hate this and I wish that I could just...I don't even know, Diary. I don't even know.

-S.